The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be – Marcel Pagnol.
It is that time of the year again, the holy month of Ramadhan.
As I walked through pasar ramadhan at the train station, I thought of you. A poor but proud University student who was struggling to live by with less than RM10 in his wallet at any given time. When I hear the azan I saw a vision of a fair skinned boy with light grey eyes and light brown hair, praying at the direction of the kaaba for the safety of his brothers, sisters and the salvation for his country.
Some say that people come into our lives for a reason. Some stayed for a lifetime and some left as soon as their mission is served. After all these years, I am still trying to figure out the purpose of your existence in my life and why it has been short lived. Maybe you weren’t supposed to die, maybe all these were a mistake.
How could you have died, when we have not made peace with each other after the fight on that faithful night? When you called and pleaded me to attend your 30th birthday party. And all I cared at the other end of the receiver was the inconvenience of getting dress and hail a cab to an unknown address.
We would have known each other for 10 years now. I wonder what would become of us. Would you be here, lazing around next to me as I pen my thoughts this Sunday? Or would you have left for your country, kidnapped someone’s daughter and fulfill your duty for your country and left me yearning for your return on this Sunday evening?
I used to daydream walking around the Red Square with you in winter. It would have been so perfect, you would have held my icy cold hands and tug me under your big warm coat to keep me warm. I would have made you chase after me and we would be throwing snow balls at each other like childhood friends.
I’ve never felt so safe with any other guy but you. You were fearless. Yet, with those strong hands and arm, you were always so gentle with me. My body was your temple and you treated it with much respect.
You were a poor student, and I was a girl who earn a miserable salary. But we were happy even though we didn’t have much. Do you remember, that we used to have so much fun over some roasted chicken and a bottle of cheap Russian Vodka on Christmas and New Years Eve? And what about the time when you mistakenly bought a carton of mineral water which you thought was mandarin oranges for me during Chinese New Year? I remembered that we laughed ourselves silly that night.
Cheap Russian Vodka that cost about RM20
I wished I had gone to your birthday party. Maybe then we could have spent more time with each other before that faithful day when you were taken away in that car accident. How could my heart been so cold, to not realise that all you wanted was for me to be there with you, as how you have been there for me. If only I had put my ego aside, things could have been different today. Maybe, I would be reminiscing more of the good times instead of what we could have done.
I’ve missed you. Not a day gone by without a thought of you in my mind. Sometimes, I wished that your death was staged, and I would one day bump into you at the Red Square in Moscow in May, 2013
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