Before the birth of little Han, I always wanted a natural birth so that my breast milk would come right after delivery to feed him. In fact, I felt strongly about breastfeeding for the first few months due to the nutrition it provides.
Then, Han was born through a C-section, and my worst nightmare came true.
During the first 3 days, while I was recovering in the hospital, my nipple was bruised and sore due to constant sucking. Later, we discovered that Han couldn't latch on properly because he was tongue-tied, causing pain when he latched. Thankfully, the pediatrician found out earlier, and a small surgery fixed the issue. But that's another story.
Some friends suggested preparing formula for bottle feeding because the milk supply would be low in the first few days. I remained determined to breastfeed, but I only managed to produce little colostrum despite my efforts to stimulate milk production.
The first couple of weeks were tough. Not breastfeeding worsened my baby blues, and I felt frustrated and guilty. The more encouragement I received, the worse I felt.
After a few weeks, I accepted the fact that I couldn't produce enough breast milk. The circumstances didn't help either. I didn't drink enough water, eat enough, and I didn't get adequate rest. I was a train wreck.
A month and a half later, after conversing with individuals who couldn't breastfeed due to unforeseen circumstances, I realised that being a mother is more than breastfeeding. I had been too hard on myself and overlooked the fact that being a mother is also about providing love and care for my son. I struggled in the first month because I was fixated on breastfeeding. I experienced frustrations and couldn't enjoy being a mother.
So, I stopped.
And when I stopped squeezing the milk from my breasts, I was able to rest a bit more, engage with online content, and regained my love for my son.
I am not, by any means, discouraging breastfeeding. Some moms had an easier time, and some have more willpower than me to keep trying. I simply couldn't achieve it.
I just hope that my formula-fed baby will grow up to be a healthy boy.
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